On grief

Someone posted on their blog about how their life insurance proceeds would allow their wife to take six months off or so to grieve, in the event of their death. I think that's stupid, but then again, when someone at my high school dropped out after her dad died, I told her she was stupid and that she should just get through the last four weeks.

So I'm unsympathetic. We all knew that anyway.

At any rate, I don't understand people who stop moving at a loss. When my dad died, plans stayed largely the same. We went to summer camp, then back to school. When my husband and I discussed divorce, I took an afternoon to talk to him and then continued on with work.

I move forward. I don't slow down. Life goes on.

Why I do what I do

One nation-generation
Connecting people in a collective mind

Samael - "Solar Soul"

This is where we're heading. It's tough, but I can see the change moving, and it makes me thrilled to in some small way, be a part of it. Like the Borg, but sort of less evil.

It's not your fault

It's rare that my mother comes to me in a dream. The other night though, she came to me in a dream and said "It's not your fault." And peace washed over me.

Things fall apart and things fall into place. That's sort of the way life works.

Call the Doctor

this is love and you can't break it
(this is not really me at all)

(Lyrics to "Call the Doctor" by Sleater-Kinney)

I have to call the fertility doctor on Monday and cancel my appointment. We're postponing the child thing for a year or so. In case I've been faking smiles about your kids/kids-to-be, there's a reason. One year down and nothing. Do I buy a house or a kid? And by "buy," I mean IVF/adoption. Neither is cheap.

Of course, we were apart for three months, talking divorce, barely speaking let alone having sex, and somewhere, in the midst of it all, moving cross country. At this point, if a kid happens, it happens. I'm definitely not missing The Pill. Was great for bad boyfriends (since even though I'm pro-choice, I'm anti-abortion-as-birth-control), but it's now one less thing to remember every day.

Himself asked me today when I knew I was going to marry him. I told him that I had no idea, but that about two years into it, I figured we were going to be living together for a long, long while. I never thought I would marry, let alone marry him. Why does he still get surprised by that?

For that matter, why is best-friend-I-sleep-with not a legal option for hetero couples too?

Thank you, A.

Algaion's "The Last Delusion" played on random on the iPod today. A. introduced me to them about 14 years ago. We've since lost touch, but the memories that it brought back made me want to look him up again. Add that to my perpetual to-do list, get back in touch with people who made me hate my life less at various points.

The feminist post

I'm a feminist. And unlike Gwen Stefani (who lost a million cool points with me for this), I am happy to use that word to describe myself. There is nothing wrong with believing that women have the same inherent worth as men.

And this, is apparently where I part with my mother. For all her talent and natural intelligence, she cannot comprehend that if I call to say that I am stressed out with something, the correct answer is not going to be to ask Himself to handle it. Just because he's male doesn't qualify him over me to handle things like irritating mortgage brokers.

Meanwhile, she's thrilled that my little waste-of-life sister has found yet another guy to feed off of for the time being. Apparently she's not home so much and seems happy enough. Who bets she goes off on another binge the moment he wakes up from his alcoholic stupor realizes who she really is? Yeah, I've been through this before.

What pisses me off the most though is that my mother seems to patently encourage this behavior. Rather than saying something like "Hey, maybe you should realize your own self-worth before going and jumping into another bad relationship," she absolutely encourages co-dependency. I mean, I'm not a capable adult who can handle all the difficult things in life-- at least not in my mother's eyes.

There would be far fewer screaming matches between us if this wasn't so frequent of an issue.

I would probably like my mother a lot more as a person if she could possibly understand that for all the years I saw her on her own, managing quite solidly, I really believed in her and in the power of myself. And Mom, that's not going to change now that you think I have someone that I need to depend upon and shudder submit to (to quote the worst marriage ceremony I've ever borne witness to).

We're buying a house!

I'll post pictures once I get them uploaded!!